Nine Lives
by BluWhispers
Summary: Sasuke set out to destroy everything that would ever make Naruto unhappy. He expected to die at the end of his mission. Cats only have nine lives, right? NOT a death fic. Yaoi, lime. Sasuke POV. SasuNaru, KakaIru, others. Slight angst, slight OOC.
1. Chapter 1: Sasuke's last life

**Nine Lives**

**Chapter 1**

**By BluWhispers**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto, nor anything else created by Masashi Kishimoto.

**Warning:** This is a YAOI fic. Meaning GUY loves GUY, possibly GUY kiss GUY, and if this was a lemon fic it'd be GUY bang GUY. If homosexual love does not appeal to you, don't read this. You have been warned. Flames will NOT be appreciated and will definitely be ignored. Constructive criticism is always welcome though )

**A/N:** This is my first fic. I hope you guys like it.

**Summary:** Angst. With a drama queen Sasuke. NOT a death fic (depends on how you define that, though). SasuNaru, KakaIru, and others. Sasuke POV.

Somehow, I knew he'd understand. Just the way I knew he'd understand when I said that giving Orochimaru my body would be worth it. Coz once you walk this path, this line of vengeance and hate, you gotta do everything that is necessary to achieve what you set out to do. There is no turning back, no other crossroad. Giving my body, taking drugs, murder….I'd do all of it and more. I DID do it. And I'd do it again. I am an avenger. For me, there is no life, there is no love. There is only the bittersweet taste of memories, and the hunger for justice. I have chosen to walk this road, I WAS chosen to take this path, and so I will bear all the burdens that come with the journey, I will drink of all the sins and evil necessary to get to the end. I am no longer a person, I am no longer an individual. I am not a friend, I am not a student, I am not a brother. I am merely the Avenger. But long before I was chosen to represent vengeance, I was already born into a bloody ideal.

We Uchihas tend to wear our collars high in battle. At least, I wear mine high just like my brother's. For one reason: the Sharingan. When you meet us, all you will see is the flare of red and the 666 of the Devil's bond. And that is the purpose of the collar, that is the key: FEAR. We are ideals, we are emotions, we are that which strikes fear in the hearts of the bravest ninja, we are the Sharingan. No longer will we be viewed as humans, we cease to be mortal, we stop being children, we are sons no more. Coz humans can bleed, mortals can die, children can cry, sons can be punished. Instead we are abstract, an ideal, a notion, an emotion. You can't hurt us, you can't kill us. That is why we win, that is why we can't be defeated. Once you see the Sharingan, once you taste the salty tang of fear trickling down your brow, you are lost. Ideas are bulletproof, but a man is a walking target.

Somehow, Naruto had always understood. He never blamed me, he always forgave me, even when I carried ideals too far. Somehow he understood the pain I had gone through when my world was slashed and left in a bloody heap at my feet, somehow he understood the desolation of tears in the rain, somehow he understood the utter loneliness of a boy and a lake. And somehow, he saw the scars on my heart, the wounds still bleeding in my mind. His eyes the color of Heavens, his heart that of an angel's, his wisdom that of God. He understood that as long as my brother lived, I would be torn in two. I could not be whole. Perhaps it was because of the mind-fucking my brother gave me as a child, perhaps it was the way my life was shaped by the massacre. Regardless, he understood everything, so he always forgave me, he always accepted me back with open arms. I know I'm blessed, I know what I'm doing is pushing the limits. But I have to do this, I have to finish this. This time, though, I'm not doing it for myself or for the lost dreams I could have lived. I'm doing it for Naruto. I'm doing it for all the hearts he's touched and all the souls he'll help in future. I'm doing this for all the smiles and laughter he brings to the world just by being alive. I'm doing this because that fool has warmed my heart and given me a soul, he breathed life into me when I was dead to joy. I'm doing this because it's going to be the only thing in my life I'm doing right, the only thing in my life that I've been so sure of, the only thing worth doing. I'm doing this because Naruto is Hope, and I'm in love with Hope and I'm in love with all that Hope can bring. Like Kakashi once told me, if you're going to make a fool of yourself, then at least do it for love. And this is going to be the stupidest thing in the history of mankind, this is going to be the most ridiculous feat ever accomplished, this is going to be something only an idiot would do out of love for a beautiful fool.

Tonight, now, I'm on my way to fight all that brings a frown to Naruto's face. I'm going to destroy everything that could ever throw his joy back in his face, I'm going to rip apart all that can stomp his laughter into the mud.

Rising from my perch on the stone head of the fourth Hokage, I smile down at the village, my coat billowing behind me at a sudden gust of cold wind. The moon is thin and gleaming, a Cheshire grinning so coldly. I would shiver, the night is one of the coldest ever, but I am numb to the world and everything it represents. I feel cold inside, I'm freezing in the abyss in my mind. My heart is breaking and my soul is dying, but I remain resolute. No matter how much every part of me is screaming to return home to Naruto, no matter how much I want to just crawl back into the cozy bed and let him warm me up, my will is set. This is for Naruto, this is for all the frowns and scowls and taunts and tears. This is for all the joy and laughter and dances in the rain and singing on the rainbows. Nodding, I step off the ledge, feel myself fall, and I wonder again, and I hate it. I hate the thought that always pops into my head at the wrong times, the thought that saps all my strength and leaves me again as that frightened child who ran from the blood that was his parents and the fear that was his brother. I wonder if maybe I should just keep falling. From this height, a fall would be fatal. And I would never have to endure this agony of tearing my soul from my body again. NO, I tell myself. I will do this, and then there will be no more torment. My insides steeled once more, my wings sprout and I am soaring high above beautiful Konoha, into the icy night sky.

I fly to the Valley of the End, where Orochimaru and his Sound ninja wait. I fly to the Valley of the End, where Akatsuki and my brother wait. I fly to the Valley of the End, where the end of my journey waits. And after this, after tonight, there will be no more flying, no more walking, no more running. There will only be stillness, and silence. And the cold, harsh, reality of the ending.

Somewhere I think I hear the soft footfall of a cat, hear a soft lament of feline cries. My kin, they cry for me. I wish I could tell them to cry for Naruto instead. When morning comes, his heart will be broken again, but his new life will begin. Unbidden, his name forms on my lips, as though somehow by whispering it this nightmare of truth will be broken. But no escape comes, and I must face down our demons alone. I am the Avenger after all.

The battle lasted till dawn, and when the first rays of a golden sun peak through the canyon, there is naught but blood and finality in the valley. The stench of death hangs heavy, the sound of blood and broken dreams blankets everything. I can't move, I've damaged myself past bearing. It's alright. I expected to die anyway. That's why I left the note behind, and the tiny box on the dresser. When the drugs wear off, when Naruto and the rest of the Konoha ninja wake, I will be nothing but a mangled corpse, another dish on this high table in the banquet for crows.

Now, when I am lying here, I wonder at time. Because most of my life I was dead, a zombie, a machine of vengeance. Then a golden haired fox came yelling into my life, and things were never quite the same after that. So I have had nine lives, and now all nine are ending. The first life, with my family. Before the madness, before the fear, before the stale thoughts of revenge. When the first life ended and the second began, I'm not sure. Maybe it was when Itachi started to change, maybe it was when my family was killed. I cannot be certain, but all I know is that my second life started with blood-red eyes and a face that was mine if I was more haggard. My third life was full of color and sound, with garishly toned team-mates and a silver haired teacher. Shouts, screams, whispers, banter….my third life was a time of innocence and joy and everything a child should have. Even if that child is being trained to hunt and kill.

My fourth life, the beginning of which came with a bite to my neck. And then the happiness of my carefree third life was drained, sucked away by the vampire Orochimaru. I became a carrier of the cursed seal, and the virus of darkness spread quickly throughout my body. My fifth life was quick on the heels of the fourth, when I followed the Sound ninja and got my second level of the curse seal. And then it all got jumbled up. I remember a huge flux of power, wings emerging. If I was a picture, then the negative became reality. Darkness coated my skin, my hair turned white. An ending, a friend, a decision. And then my sixth life, when I walked away from everything I had ever known and joined Orochimaru.

Seventh, when that damned blonde came to get me back. At first, when I returned, I was brooding, I was angsty. I hid from the world, kept to myself, too consumed with thoughts of revenge. I had been steeped in darkness too long, I had forgotten what fresh air tasted like.

And then the eighth life came, with the splash of cold water to my face and the sound of a slap echoing in the air. A blonde with earnest blue eyes and a too-bright orange jacket, who was also equipped with really loud pipes. My hiding space was broken down, he literally destroyed my basement, yanking me out of my well of misery and dragging me into his world of light and laughter. And slowly old values resurfaced, and bad habits perished silent deaths. I learned to smile again, as in truly smile with joy, not with blood lust. I learned to sleep with my back to a person, I learned to leave my weapon in my room when going to the kitchen for a glass of water. Hell, I learned to drink water again, instead of some concoction of blood and drugs and power and sin. And slowly, I became human again. The avenger faded into the background, left for sleepless nights and rainy days. I became a friend, a student, a son, a brother, a lover. I had never felt like that before, like I was swimming in life and floating on a cloud of reality.

All good things must end. And the ninth life started with the arrival of a messenger, heralding the coming of all the things that left me barren and inhuman. With a heavy heart I watched as each day beckoned the reckoning closer. The laughter became strained, the voices were hushed. Everywhere I went, people were tiptoeing around me like the slightest thing would set me off and make me a stone cold killer again. Perhaps they were right to believe so. Slowly I started my descent into neverland, and immersed myself in anything and everything that would grant me more power, give me more chances of killing Itachi. Naruto could only stand by and watch, but to his credit he never once tried to stop me, he never once complained. Instead he kept a brave front and helped me train, and his resolute expression never faltered, not even when I refused to sleep with him, when I took to carrying my weapons with me everywhere I went, when I would not sleep with my back to anything but the wall. I guess maybe he knew that I needed him to be strong for all of us. Though I am by no means weak, it has always been Naruto who was the toughest one out of the entire village, the pillar of strength for everyone who has met him. And I think he knew that, he knew the responsibility he had, the burden he had to bear for all of us. But bravely he soldiered on, and so he fed my determination to be the best that I could be. And the chips were stacked, the cards were dealt, this was my final hand and we knew it.

Now here I am, on the brink of death. I have walked my path, I have come to the end of this road. The journey is over, the destination is clear. There is only one step left, and the blood leaving my battered body is forming that step for me, taking the last measure for me. Soon I will cease to be in this world, when I lose the ability to live. Naruto…I pray you keep me alive in your heart. I don't want to be forgotten. I want to be remembered. At least then I'll know my life was worth something, that I actually DID do enough to be acknowledged. I just want what we shared to be as real to you as it was to me.

I see Reaper standing next to me, waiting to guide me to the other side. They will pass a judgement on me, they will confirm what I already know. I am going to hell. After a lifetime of sin and torment on this earth, I will go to an eternity of suffering in desolate purgatory. Smiling to myself, I let my weak shell collapse completely, and I slowly melt away into the fabric of existence.

_Naruto…_

A/N: Well that was the first chapter. Hope you guys liked it. R & R please! Sasuke was pretty drama-queen-ish. Ah well. He WAS on his way to certain doom. Though like I said, this isn't a death fic. I think.


	2. Chapter 2: Sasuke awakes in Hell

**Nine Lives**

**Chapter 2**

**By BluWhispers**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto, nor anything else created by Masashi Kishimoto.

**Warning:** This is a YAOI fic. Meaning GUY loves GUY, possibly GUY kiss GUY, and if this was a lemon fic it'd be GUY bang GUY. If homosexual love does not appeal to you, don't read this. You have been warned. Flames will NOT be appreciated and will definitely be ignored. Constructive criticism is always welcome though.

**A/N:** This is my first fic. I hope you guys like it. In this chapter I _kinda _added some suggestive themes in the flashbacks. Also, there are attempts at humor for my dear cousin, Rikouchan. She doesn't take the whole angst thing very well (smirk).

**Summary:** Angst. With a drama queen Sasuke. NOT a death fic (depends on how you define that, though). SasuNaru, KakaIru, and others. Sasuke POV.

I awake in hell. Every nerve in my body is screaming, every fiber of my being is being ripped to shreds again and again only to be patched together and torn apart again. My vision is red and blurry, and I can hear nothing but my own laboured breathing and the high-pitched sound that is reminescent of nails on a chalkboard, permeating my consciousness. If I could claw out my heart and mind I would, except I can't remember what it's like to move my arm, I can't remember what it's like to have an arm. All I know, all I'm aware of is pain, pain, pain. I open my mouth to scream, and I'm gurgling hot needles. _Naruto!_ I'm crying and begging now, for Naruto, for the agony to end, for air, for life, for love, for kisses in the rain and flowers on a grave. All I can think about is Naruto, grounding me against the insanity that this torment is driving me to. Then, I can't think at all as the pain becomes too much to handle. And I think that God has a wicked sense of humor, because as I'm blacking out, I could have sworn I heard Naruto's voice.

_Flashback_

It's autumn. The leaves are falling, Konoha is calm. The children are in school and the adults are working or training. It's an ordinary day, albeit a beautiful one, but Konohagakure is blessed with many beautiful days, so they treat this day as they would any other.

For me, however, this day would always carry special meaning. It's the day my second life started and I was a weeping child no more. We can never forget the days that make or break us, and the day of the massacre is so clear in my mind, it could have been just yesterday. I remember my mother in the morning, I remember her smile. I remember so much of that day, that till now I can't bring myself to visit the Uchiha burial site. I suppose it's the child in me that still wants to cling to the hope that this was all just a dream. I couldn't bear to face the concrete proof of reality and death. I don't believe this is cowardly of me, wanting to hold onto a fantasy. Naruto however, says it's unhealthy. He doesn't approve of me always hiding in ideals and dreams. Hah. Never thought that I'D be the dreamer, when HE was the fox-child who had dreamt of being Hokage. But his dreams are fast becoming reality, and my dreams are just those….dreams.

Naruto is watching me now. I'm sitting at the table in our kitchen, in the same seat I'd sat in that fateful day. He's leaning against the counter, next to the ghost of my mother. She's smiling at me, that soft smile of hers that glows so gently, permeating the air with its love. What a difference from Naruto's bright, shining smiles. He's not smiling now though, a frown tugging his beautiful lips down. His blue eyes aren't dancing anymore, they're quiet and musing, thoughtful. I wish he'd never found out about today. Then we'd be training or on a mission, and I'd be pretending that today doesn't mean anything to me. But he found out, somehow. Something about wanting to know all about me and interrogating a lazy silver-haired Jounin. So now he knows, and he applied for leave for both of us. He says that I should be allowed a day to grieve at least. I can't tell him that I grieve everyday, until everyday is a day of mourning for me. That is why I'm always dressed in black, that is why I seldom smile. I guess he understands anyway. He's always been smarter than most people give him credit for.

I'm trying my best to pretend that I'm fascinated by my cup of coffee. It's a childish mug, won at a carnival by Naruto, who insisted I use it. It's bright, like him. It seems so…out of place somehow. In this kitchen where memories hang heavy, and on this day of graves. It was never my idea to move back to my ancestral home. If it were up to me, we'd remain in his apartment, or in my modern apartment building in the middle of town. But there was an incident, and now the Uchiha compound is alive again. No…not alive. Just stuck in a parody of life. Most of us live here now, the entire Rookie 9, Kakashi, Iruka, Gai and his team, Asuma, Kurenai…but everyone's awkward. Most of this place hasn't been lived in in 8 years.

Before I left for Sound, I stayed in my room in the manor, with a few servants. And once I left, the servants remained, dusting and polishing, keeping the compound clean, keeping my sheets turned down in case I ever decided to come home, if I ever DID come home. But they are just a small team of serfs, so they focused only on the manor house and some of the more major areas. Now, with everyone else moved in, the buildings surrounding the manor are inhabited by people who tread silently and who touch nothing.

I guess I haven't been a very gracious host. But I can't help it. I don't want them here. I don't want anyone here. This place is dead, this cursed compound no longer home to the fearsome Uchiha clan. Everywhere I turn, I see blood and tears. I can't stand living here, I can't stand anyone else walking the paths my mother used to tread. I hate that others now sit on the chairs my father used to sit on, I hate that others now disturb the ghosts of the past. If I had my way I'd have destroyed the bloody place long ago, but though I was the legal heir, I was not of age then. The then Hokage refused to accede to my request for destruction of the Uchiha residencies. And besides, all my property was controlled by Sandaime. I couldn't even buy another house without his consent. He ordered me to remain on the compound, ordered the servants to stay when I wanted to dismiss them.

When I returned from Sound, Tsunade placed me under house arrest with Naruto as my guardian. At first we stayed at the manor, Tsunade somehow thinking that I'd be less insane if I stayed in my old home. Well, she IS blonde. I hid in the basement, and it took Naruto's willful destruction of MY property to get the OK from Tsunade to let us move to Naruto's apartment. Naruto refused to fix my basement, instead ordering that it be filled in and covered up. It was only when Sakura pointed out that the basement made a fantastic shelter and the fact that the wine cellar would be lost forever that Tsunade decided to let me have a basement again. I had NO say in what happened to my own house. Since I had defected, my assets were frozen, this time left to the discretion of the blond future-Hokage. I suppose I should be grateful he didn't blow all my inheritance away on his damned Ramen. And then that blasted incident happened, and we were all forced to move back to the playground of my nightmares. I guess it's true what they say. No matter how far you go, no matter how fast you run, what goes around comes around and you'll end up back where you started. Didn't mean I had to accept it gracefully.

I know I'm being an asshole, I know I'm making the others uncomfortable. They understand, I guess, what I'm going through. Either that or Naruto threatened to kill them if they upset me. Regardless, they have voiced no complaints, and have been incredibly thoughtful. I guess I should be grateful. But all I can think of is running away, all I can see are my nightmares. I'm going crazy, going insane. I should never have returned. I should have died that day. I shouldn't have been born. I'm wallowing in self-pity and recrimination. And the more I hate it, the more my negativity fuels my descent into darkness. I'm hanging tenuously onto my sanity, looking to Naruto as a drowning man would look to a lifeline. I'm angry, I'm afraid, I'm filled with hate, I'm crying inside. I just want to leave. But Naruto, that blond idiot, has other ideas.

Flowers. That's what he said. Freakin' FLOWERS. And he got them too. Beautiful, pristine casablancas. The scent brings back memories of funeral marches and rain. I feel sick. Naruto is shoving the flowers into my hands, his hands are guiding me up. I can't see anything but my mother's face now. Funny thing is, her eyes are the spinning Mangenkyou. In that moment I hate my brother more than anything else. He's tainted my memories of mother, he's spoiled every happy memory I've ever had. He was always there, quiet on the sidelines, watching, like a damned plague on my life. I hate him, I hate that I hate him, I hate that I'm powerless against this hate. I hate, hate hate HATE…

"**Sasuke**."

Dobe's voice, smooth like a shot of Bailey's. I find that I'm on the floor, kneeling with my head in my hands, and the flowers are on the ground, lying like a tossed puppet, and they look like my mother when she lay dying, they look like my father's face, they look like every dream I've ever had being ripped away from me. Dobe's hands are on my shoulders and he's shaking me now, calling my name. His blue eyes are worried, then they're red and swirling and menacing and I feel such HATE….

Wait. Dobe's eyes are blue. Blue like the midday sky, blue like cornflowers, blue like Lee's face when Akamaru sat on him for too long. Not red like this, not the ugly red of hate. Blue, blue, blue. **Naruto**…

"**Sasuke**."

Dobe. I'm beginning to see that maybe he was right. That carrying so much hate is unhealthy. That maybe I should lay my demons to rest. But he was born with nothing. He wouldn't understand. Or would he? Is that what this is all about? Showing he understands, showing me how to deal with my pain? I don't know. I used to think that all I had to do was avenge my clan and everything would magically fall into place. But now I think maybe he and Kakashi and everyone had a point. That revenge won't help, that I'm the only one who can make the pain inside me go away. But I don't know how. This is the only way I know how to live, the only way I know how to deal with life. Maybe that's why he and I got together, forged this little relationship. Because I know only hate, and he knows only love.

He wants me to visit my parents' graves.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'm not good enough, that after everything I've done, I'm not worthy to kneel before my father's tomb. I'm not worthy enough to kiss my mother's tombstone. I'm not good enough to set foot in my parents' resting place. I've killed, betrayed. I've done things that would shame father were he around to witness my actions. I've done things that would make mother cry if she could see me. I'm afraid that I'll taint their memory, I'm terrified of my touch besmirching their remains.

_Naruto…_

He's cupping my face in his palms now, stroking my cheeks. He's whispering, it's so unlike him. He's saying that it's ok, that my parents have been waiting for me to visit them for so long, that they love me just like he loves me, and they won't find fault with me, that they forgive me. I want so much to believe him. I want so much to kneel at the graves and just be close to them, I want so much to whisper my apologies, to beg for forgiveness in hushed tones.

_Naruto…_

Somehow, he's coaxed me to the burial site. It looks…clean. I guess the servants have been doing their job. I look around, I barely recognize the place. When I first came here, I was a child. And everyone was dressed in black, there were so many people, they were talking and whispering, and there was rain and the squishy sounds of mud. Flowers. There were flowers, the petals drooping from the weight of so many raindrops, and the flowers looked as sad as I felt. Sandaime was there, a hand on my shoulder. Jounin came to pat my head, and I was too wrapped up in my cocoon of pain to be bothered by their actions. ANBU was there, on the fringes, each of them holding a white rose. I can't remember more, just that I stood by the grave so long in a catatonic state, Sandaime knocked me out and brought me home.

Naruto's leading the way into the tomb, and I'm following blindly. I think I'm suffocating. It feels…surreal. Like I'm not here. And suddenly reality comes crashing down on me. I see my parents' names carved into the cold marble, and there's pictures of them inlaid on the cloudy stone. Mother…

"Your mother's beautiful." Naruto's voice is hushed, in reverence and respect. He understands that he stands before a goddess, a woman who was and would always be more beautiful to me than anyone else. Maybe that's why I'm gay. The classic Oedipus complex. No other female will ever be good enough.

Naruto's looking at the picture of my father now, at the stern, gruff demeanour. Father seldom smiled, hardly laughed. It was always mother who was laughing, she was so merry and lively and beautiful. Father was…father. He was responsible, strong, and though he might have been harsh in his inattention towards me, I understand. Mother said that father spoke only of me to her. Father…I know I've wronged, I know I've sinned. Would you still allow me to wear the Uchiha emblem if you saw me now?

"He reminds me of you." Naruto's words shock me. Am I like father? But he was always so silent in my life, he hardly looked at me, he was always going on about Itachi. Maybe Naruto's saying I'm as wrapped up in Itachi-ness as father was. Or maybe…maybe I'm going to be the man that father was. Maybe I'm on my way to becoming a strong, superior shinobi.

I fall to my knees, I'm overwhelmed. The flowers fall out of my shaky grasp, and Naruto quietly picks them up and places them on the tombstones. The flowers look calm, and I think mother would have liked them there. They're beautiful and soft just like she was. And I think the roof needs to be patched, coz there's moisture on my face and I can't be crying, can I? I'm just so damned SORRY that I didn't come sooner, and I'm so sorry I couldn't stop Itachi, and I'm so sorry I couldn't do more for them, and I'm sorry I strayed from my father's ideals, I'm sorry I forgot the sound of mother's laughter, I'm sorry and it hurts and I just want them back so damned much…

Naruto's got his arms around me now. And the wind is whispering around us, sneaking in through the open doorway to breathe life into this place of memories. And we're kneeling on the cold stone floor, my tears are wrecking his shirt, and he's HERE and he's REAL and they forgive me, they forgive me I know…

Naruto was right. He was always right. Everything's gonna be ok. Heh. Maybe the idiot WOULD be Hokage someday. He was proving to have an IQ that wasn't in the double digits.

The rest of the day, we're lying in bed looking through old photographs that the servants magically dug up. I seem to remember giving the order for destruction of all pictures and portraits. But they're here now, looking the way they did 8 years ago, and I think I should have a talk with my servants. They seem to be suffering from selective amnesia.

Naruto's laughing at a picture of me and father. I'm squirming in father's grasp, trying to get out and grab the camera. Father's face is as black as thunder, I guess this must be the twentieth time they tried to snap a picture of 2 year old me flailing around. I think Itachi took the picture. I can see a bit of mother laughing in the background, a reflection on a vase at father's elbow. And Naruto looks like an angel, his blond hair is catching the sun's rays as they peek through the blinds to peer at the picture, and his laughing blue eyes are alight with love and joy and mischief. His skin is lightly tanned, and I can see the seal on his stomach and suddenly he's beneath me, and he's not laughing anymore, his soft lips are so warm beneath mine, and I don't feel so cold now. In fact, quite the contrary, the room begins to heat up, and we're making new memories, and my mind captures the image of Naruto's face in ecstasy like a snapshot.

Moments like these…I can almost believe that everything's ok and we're not in danger of dying any minute. I can almost fool myself into believing that we're just a normal couple and we're going to have a happily-ever-after. I can't help but pray that this joy never ends, and then Naruto's lips are on me and I'm using God's name in vain.

_End Flashback_

Once again I awake in hell. Though this time it seems the pain has lessened. Or maybe I'm just getting numb to it. I consider the possibility that this is Itachi's doing, that I'm under the influence of the Mangenkyou. But I doubt it. The Mangenkyou has no effect on me. Kakashi had proven that point when he used his one blood eye on me in training. Something about me being an Uchiha and having the Mangenkyou myself. I saw no reason to doubt him, after all he HAD figured out and taught me how to obtain the Mangenkyou without killing Naruto. I remember the first time I used it on an Akatsuki. While my range was by no means perfect, the asshole was a goner. Kakashi said I used too much force, I had broken the poor guy's mind. Not that I cared what happened to the Akatsuki idiot. I left the fallen nin there, a souvenir for my brother. On the human postcard, the message was clear. _The next time you meet me, Itachi, you will fall._

I figure this is why Orochimaru wanted me. I'm impervious to the effects of the greatest doujutsu in the world. AND my own doujutsu abilities seem to far surpass my brother's. Kakashi said I was a late bloomer, but he who laughs last laughs loudest. Itachi might have been viewed as the child genius, but it only makes sense that the one with the greater pool of talent would take more time learning to harness it all. Coming from the great Sharingan Kakashi, a genius by all accounts and the one ninja I had always seen as being closest to my brother in talent, this was high praise indeed. I remember feeling a swell of pride in my chest, only to nearly strangle the man when he mussed my hair the very next minute.

Naruto once mentioned that I was Kaka-sensei's favorite. He was having one of his rare introspective moods, brought on by too much sex and the curtain of rain outside the window. He figured it was because both Kakashi and I were left to fend for ourselves from an early age, and we had been pretty scarred for life when we were kids. Not to mention the whole loner issue, the Sharingan, and the talent we had…If I ever wanted to replace my father with another, I guess it WOULD be Kakashi. The Jounin had taken me under his wing again the minute I showed interest in "Life on Top", as the perverted Naruto put it. With his help, I not only attained the Mangenkyou Sharingan, I was also inaugurated as a Jounin within 6 months of my return to Konoha. Three months later, I was ANBU, under Kakashi's captainship. Naruto had not been jealous, much to my surprise. He had instead cheered the loudest, then he had jumped out of his seat and given me a big fat kiss in front of the entire assembly. I was in too good a mood to hit him.

Many have mentioned that Kakashi spoiled me. He always let me mouth off at him, and he'd cheerfully accept all my insults and patiently sit through my childish tantrums and mood-swings. There was also the fact that he always went out of his way to help me become a better ninja, and all the blows and injuries he took for me when we were out on suicide missions. The great Copy Ninja was known to be laidback and calm, but when some villager had made the mistake of calling me a traitor to my face, Kakashi had moved with his lightning speed and Mangenkyou'd the poor imbecile. Naruto had barely had time to complete his curse, had been mid-strike. Of course, Naruto had collided with Kakashi and the two of them had gone tumbling, cussing like sailors, but not before we all saw Kakashi's deadly expression. After that, no one dared treat me with anything less than respect. Kakashi was, after all, one of the more powerful ninja around. And his message was loud and blatantly clear. Insult me, and suffer.

The most telling sign that drove home Kakashi's favoritism was when the silver-haired ANBU arrived **on** **time** for my ANBU inauguration party. AND he had brought me a present. After that incident, everyone started joking about me being Kakashi's lost son. To which Kakashi would make his eye smile benignly, and then the idiot would mess up my hair and call me his little duckling. Naruto laughed like crazy when he heard that comment. Something about my hair resembling a duck's ass, and Kakashi being a graceful swan. Iruka had blushed at that swan comment for some reason, muttering about feathers and a lake. I don't think I wanna know. Those two are always going at it. Seeing as how I view Kakashi as a pseudo-father, it's just WRONG knowing what I know about his relationship with the school-teacher. Heaven forbid I ever walk in on them doing the whole teacher-student routine. Thanks to Naruto's big mouth, I know that Iruka has one of those school girl uniforms. I was unable to look at my surrogate father without twitching for a month after I'd learned that very unnecessary piece of information.

When I was in one of my introspective moods, I blurted out my existential theory. Naruto didn't know how to respond to me saying that this could all be just a dream or a vision caused by Itachi's Mangenkyou on me when I was a child. I guess he was torn between hitting me and being glad that I would dream of him naked in bed with me, at least that's what I think his facial expression meant. To anyone else he'd just appear constipated. His reply came at last though, in the form of a sweaty tanned body and tangled sheets, and a wordless promise to prove to me that this was real and not a dream.

I guess this IS Hell. The Devil's smart. He didn't just stop at physical torture. He went as far as to ensure that I still hurt inside, that my mind and heart would be torn to shreds. I shouldn't be surprised. The Sharingan is after all a Devil's bond, and I've suffered the Mangenkyou before. But oddly, I had never heard Naruto's voice in my Hell before. I guess it's a new torture technique, reminding me of what I'd never again have. If I could see Lucifer now, I'd call him LUCY and kick his ass. Only thing is, I can't feel my legs. I can only feel the PAIN where my legs should be.

_Distract yourself, don't lose your grip_. Kakashi's voice in my head, a throwback to training in the Uchiha grounds, and learning to deal with pain. Naruto would be watching, taking a break from his training. Distracting myself was always too easy when my blonde lover was like that, lithe body covered in a sheen of sweat, mouth open slightly as he panted to regain his breath. What I loved most was when the warm sunset would wash over him and bathe him in an ethereal light, making him at once real yet a fantasy. He'd look like one of those faded brown photographs of a bygone era of parasols and gallantry. At the same time, the dobe would just OOZE sex. And he knew it too. He knew just how to tilt his head back so he'd bare his slender throat, he knew how I adored his intentional vulnerability. He knew just how to spread his legs to maintain the illusion of stretching tired muscles and yet tempt me into distraction.

Well, time to distract myself from this pain. _Naruto… _

_Flashback_

I winced as I tried to bend forward. Dammit. That last mission had been worse than I'd thought, if I was still sore and aching after a week. My wounds were starting to get that sickening smell of decay. I hadn't been well enough to tend them properly. Kakashi would have forced me to go to the hospital, but Kakashi wasn't around. In fact, neither was Naruto or Sakura or anyone else who would bother enough about me to force me to the hospital. They were all on missions far away, and were not due back for a good amount of time. I'd probably be dead from infections before they were home, anyway. It wasn't that I didn't want to go to the hospital. It was just too damned far away. I had barely made it into the apartment Naruto and I shared on the outskirts of the village when I collapsed on the floor. I had awoken the next day to flies buzzing around my open wounds, and a light-headedness that comes only from loss of blood. There was no question of trying to get to the hospital. It took all my strength to make it to the bathroom and reach the medical supplies. Sloppily I halted the flow of blood. Then I collapsed.

When I came to, I had been lying on my side and my head hurt from when I hit the sink. I couldn't feel my legs, after all I had broken my right leg, the femur was jutting out of the skin. My left leg had been crushed from calf down, and it looked sickening. I would have heaved, but I didn't have enough energy. I had tried to force my displaced bone back into my leg. Nearly passing out from the pain, I focused my thoughts on my blonde dobe, willing him to come home early. I needed help. I might have been a proud-as-hell Uchiha, but I wasn't stupid. This was a dumbass way to die, sitting in my lover's bathroom surrounded by flies, with legs that looked as though they'd been through the blender.

I had considered crawling to the phone. But it was a wall unit, clear on the other side of the apartment. I doubted I'd make it. And I hadn't enough chakra for a kage bunshin. Sighing, I slumped against the bath. _Dobe…I need you. Where are you?_ I trusted Naruto. He'd be back soon. In the meantime all I had to do was wait.

_Next time we're putting the phones on the floor. _I grumble to myself. Anything to distract myself from the pain that was my body. I didn't want to black out, God only knew if I'd wake up again. My head was throbbing like a million elephants were tap-dancing on it. Reminded me of the time I experienced my first hangover though. Gritting my teeth against the pain, I had tried to move. And promptly blacked out as my entire body protested.

So now here I was, trying to reach my kunai pack. The problem was that it was strapped to my right leg, and my right arm wasn't cooperating. So I had to bend forward to get it, and it was then that my broken ribs decided to make themselves known. Dammit! All I wanna do is grab a damn exploding kunai and shatter the window! Maybe then someone would notice. It was a desperate gamble, given my current state I probably wouldn't be able to throw it far enough to be safe from the blast. But it was worth a try.

Just as my fingers closed around the tip of a kunai, a warm golden hand covered my blood-stained one. I glanced up through my bangs. _Naruto. _He was back and staring at me like he was gonna have a stroke. I tried to smile at him, tried to pass a snide comment about blondes. But I was in too much pain, and my lips were bleeding from where my teeth had sunk into them to distract against my pain.

I passed out. AGAIN.

When I came to, I was in bed. In MY bed. That was odd. I figured I should at least be in the hospital still. Tsunade liked to keep me there, knowing how much I hated being around the fangirl nurses and their tight uniforms. Jiraiya might have adored the sexy ladies in white. But I was GAY, dammit. They didn't seem to get that. Though it was better than having trannies throwing themselves at me, like what happened to Neji a couple weeks back. The poor Byakugan user apparently took to wearing shades over his eyes in a strange parody of Shino after that.

Looking around, I spotted Naruto asleep next to me. He looked tired. I felt guilty, it was always me taking care of him. Sighing, I moved to pluck a wayward hair out of his mouth. That woke him up. His baby blue eyes blinked open, then he smiled at me drowsily. _Damn…_I might have been injured, but I was still a teenager. As the fog of sleep receded from his eyes, he sat up, alert now and checking my injuries.

"Shouldn't I be in the hospital?" My voice sounded odd, drugged.

"You were. It's been two weeks since I found you lying in the bathroom like a corpse. Tsunade said to take you home, the hospital was over-crowded." He noticed my stunned expression. Two weeks? And an…

"Over-crowded hospital?"

Naruto sighed and nodded, running a hand through sleepy hair. "An accident. Nothing to worry about. They'll all be alright."

I trusted him. Dobe couldn't lie to save his ass.

"Kakashi?"

"Is safe at home, Iruka's being a mother hen." I could hear the smile in Naruto's voice as he thought of his surrogate father. I nodded, the small motion enough to tire me out. Naruto must have noticed, he kissed my forehead, brushed his lips against mine. "Sleep."

I awoke feeling much better, though I wouldn't be able to train anytime soon. Naruto was nowhere in sight. Groaning, I pushed myself up, noticing that my ribs were still sore and my legs were still out of commission. With a sigh, I looked around for something to occupy myself with. Spotting the manicure set, I brightened up. I liked being clean and neat. Naruto often remarked that I resembled a cat though, insatiable in my desire to continuously groom myself. I reached for the clippers, wincing a little as the motion pulled on my injuries. I started with my fingernails, taking longer than I normally did. When I'd finished clipping the nails on one hand, I was sweating slightly. My arms ached. Stubbornly, I started to trim the rest of my fingernails, when my groaning muscles refused to cooperate and I dropped the clippers. They landed on the floor. Cursing, I struggled to retrieve the errant grooming device.

"What are you doing?" Naruto's at the doorway, giving me that vaguely reprimanding look that always looks more like he's puckering up for a kiss.

"Trying to trim my nails, dobe. What's it look like?" He's used to my snappy retorts, they don't faze him anymore. They roll off him like water off a duck's back. …Ugh, AGAIN with the ducks.

He's crossed the room now, the clippers are in his hand. He's looking at me thoughtfully, chewing on his bottom lip. He looks so adorable when he's like that.

The bed dips as he settles in next to me. He holds out his hand and I look at him questioningly.

"Give me your hand, teme. I'll do it for you."

I hesitate. I hadn't had anyone groom me since I was a child and mother was still around. In fact, the only other time I allowed someone else to clip my nails was when I was laid up in hospital and the nurses had to do it, doctor's orders. The damned bimbo had been so excited, she'd wound up giving me ingrown nails and bleeding nail beds. I wasn't looking forward to a repeat performance. But this was Naruto. I trusted him with my life. It sounded silly even to me that I didn't trust him with my nails.

Grudgingly, I held out my hand. Naruto took it, and gently began to work on my nails. I had to give him credit. He was precise and it didn't hurt at all. In fact, I was starting to enjoy myself, feeling pampered and very much looked after. I was holding my breath a little, of course, waiting for the pain to come when he'd make a mistake and snip at flesh. But it didn't come, and he was working on my toenails soon. I closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling of surrendering the grooming of delicate extremities to another. I guess not many would understand me. But when you've lived alone and survived on your own for so long, you start to become so independent you would rather do everything yourself. That and you don't trust someone else to do it right, you don't really trust someone else not to hurt you.

"You know, all that's missing is the purring." Naruto sounds amused. I open one eye to blink at him sleepily, and yawn, arching my body slightly. When I look back down at him, he doesn't seem to be amused anymore. His eyes are darker, the pupils dilated. "You have no idea how sexy you look when you do that, teme."

I smirk. An instant later, his eyes are so close I can see the ring of green around the iris of one. His eyelashes tickle my cheeks. He hesitates then, afraid of hurting me, I suppose. I snort internally. We both know he'd never hurt me. I push myself slightly off the bed, then our lips are touching and he's not hesitating anymore. In fact, he provides a very pleasant distraction from the pain in my legs and ribs. It's an amazing sight, watching him from my view, gasping as he does things that send shivers down my spine. When we're both spent, he snuggles against me and I put my arm around him. Closing my eyes, I drift off to sleep, and maybe I'm purring but hey, I'm a satisfied customer.

_End Flashback_

A/N: Well…I hope you guys liked it! Review please! And I'm trying to tone down on the angst and drama. ) enjoy!


	3. Chapter 3: Past and Present

**Nine Lives**

**Chapter 3**

**By BluWhispers**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto, nor anything else created by Masashi Kishimoto.

**Warning:** This is a YAOI fic. Meaning GUY loves GUY, possibly GUY kiss GUY, and if this was a lemon fic it'd be GUY bang GUY. If homosexual love does not appeal to you, don't read this. You have been warned. Flames will NOT be appreciated and will definitely be ignored. Constructive criticism is always welcome though.

**A/N:** This is my first fic. I hope you guys like it. In this chapter I _kinda _added some suggestive themes in the flashbacks. Also, there are attempts at humor for my dear cousin, Rikouchan. She doesn't take the whole angst thing very well (smirk).

**Summary:** Angst. With a drama queen Sasuke. NOT a death fic (depends on how you define that, though). SasuNaru, KakaIru, and others. Sasuke POV.

_Flashback_

It's raining. The thick sheets make everything so grey, the world seems shrunken in on me, and I feel suffocated. Rain always brings back memories, choking me and clogging my throat with faded photographs of the past.

I'm sitting on the ledge, staring at nothing. If I was a huddler, I'd be huddled under the covers in bed. But I have a reputation to maintain, and besides it's claustrophobic inside the apartment. Naruto's out, he left to assist Tsunade with some official business. Funny, he's so loud and overbearingly cheerful, yet when he's around he fills up the space nicely. Without him, the usually cozy apartment feels oppressive and way too cramped.

Sighing, I take another sip of lukewarm coffee. I pull a face at the flat taste. Only Naruto can brew my caffeine fix just the way I like it. I have no idea how he does it, and I'M supposed to be the genius. I've even Sharingan'd the process. But my java still didn't taste nearly as good as Dobe's.

I really shouldn't link everything to that blonde. I'm getting moodier by the second without him here.

Shaking my head as though it would help shed the cloud of gloom, I decide to take a refreshing walk through town. I needed to prove to myself that Uchiha Sasuke isn't afraid of a little rain and memories.

Setting the cup down, I leap off the window ledge. Naruto normally yelled at me for taking unnecessary risks, but he wasn't around to yell now. _Ugh_, there I go again, Naruto-ing everything.

I'm drenched, soaked to the bone within seconds. This is one helluva downpour. Shrugging my shoulders, I start down the street. There's no one around, obviously no one else would be so foolhardy as to take a stroll in the pouring freeze. I don't shiver but a thick jacket wouldn't be remiss right now.

The wind slants the rain, blowing the tiny drops of moisture off course, straight into my eyes. I have to keep my gaze on my feet, the little cloud tears are high velocity cold pins. I'm wading through ankle-high puddles now, I really need to speak to Naruto about the road conditions. I sigh, the soft lament quickly stolen by the wind as it whistles around me.

I miss Naruto.

The ground beneath my feet is suddenly very familiar. Looking up, I see that I'm at the memorial. I can't decide if my heart feels heavy, or if the space where my heart should be feels empty. Maybe it's both, maybe it's neither. I wish Naruto were here. He always seems to know what to do. His idiocy makes the world a better place.

It's funny. With the rain pounding down on the world like this, I can almost see my parents through the grey darkness that is my vision. They're standing at by the monument, close enough to see but never close enough to touch. If I look closely, I can even see Itachi there…

"Still as lost as ever, otouto-chan?"

His mocking, drawling voice snaps me into blinding rage, like nails on a chalkboard making you tense. I launch myself at him, or where I think he is. My fist collides with air, my momentum carries me into the mud. The slick gooey mixture fills my airways as I slam face-first into the ground.

_Graceful, Sasuke. Graceful._

_  
_Leaping to my feet, I scan the area. No traces of chakra, just the pelting storm making my bruised face hurt more.

I stand there for awhile, long enough for the rain to stop but not long enough to dry the moisture on my face. Naruto finds me in a catatonic state.

"Sasuke?" He seems hesitant. No doubt I would be, seeing a dazed, muddied, bruised person standing by a majestic marble monument. I want to acknowledge him, but I can still see my parents standing at the monument. I'm trying to call out to them, but I seem frozen in time.

"Sasuke?" His eyes fill my vision, and a sudden red haze takes over. He's blocking my parents from my view, and I miss them enough already.

Next thing I know, Naruto's face is blue and his eyes are wide, pupils dilated. I watch as my hand crushes his windpipe slowly, inexorably. He doesn't struggle, doesn't protest, just watches me with those damned eyes.

He drops to the ground as I release him, drawing deep breaths, his eyes still on me even as his body struggles to function normally. I look away, at the cold moon, at the wet ground, anything but him.

"I thought Itachi was here." The silence doesn't usually get to me. But with dobe watching me so unnervingly, and the shock of seeing the mirage…my reserve is weak.

Naruto doesn't say anything for awhile. I think maybe it's ok, maybe he understands, as he always does. We'll go home now, and pretend like my momentary lapse of sanity never happened.

His fist connecting with my bruised cheek sends me flying to the ground again, the harsh slam sobering me to reality. Dobe's eyes are blazing, and he's shaking. I remain prone on the ground, clutching my swollen jaw.

"You ALWAYS see Itachi, you FUCKhead. Why don't you go fuck HIM then?!"

While his yell still echoes in the air, dobe vanishes. I lie in the mud and wish I could sink forever. I don't know how long it is I remained there, an insane ninja, a screwed-up person, a blind lover. I know I'm not mentally stable, but I thought I was smart enough to see that Naruto was hurting.

When I arrive home, Naruto is in bed, back towards me. He's not in his usual position. He normally faces me.

I bathe slowly, drawing out the confrontation. He's still awake, I know. But I can't say what he wants me to say.

I finally come to the bed, still dripping water. The cool crisp air makes me shiver slightly, the remnants of my bath still not dried on my naked flesh. Naruto tenses, and I feel lost. It's always him who initiates these things, these emotional things, these physical things. I don't know what to do. Most of my life I've avoided touch, connection. It's my upbringing, only Mother would touch me…

In the time it takes for me to reminisce, dobe has started making suspicious sounding, almost sobbing noises.

I reach out, touch his bare shoulder. He tenses even more, curls into a tighter ball. Fuck the past, dobe is my future. I pull him towards me as I get into bed, rolling him over to face me. He studiously avoids meeting my eyes, even as I straddle him.

"Naruto."

My voice is husky, from pain or prolonged disuse, I don't know. He still refuses to look at me.

I kiss him, slip my knee between his thighs. His body reacts naturally, his legs spreading even as a sob hitches in his throat. I pull back, and see him watching me. I don't know what to say, so I just kiss him again.

Eventually he relaxes into the kiss, though he doesn't kiss me back. I sit up, and look at him, probably for the first time seeing him clearly. His eyes are teary, his face set in a resigned, pain-filled expression. I feel an odd twinge, a sharp stabbing in my chest.

Gently I run my fingers along his arm from his shoulder, watching as goosebumps rise, listening as his breathing hitches, feeling his arousal against my thigh. I look back at him, and his face is carefully blank, watching me.

I know he wants those three words so badly, but they remain stuck in my throat, in my heart, in my mind. Instead I kiss him, and this time I think he understands, because his lips part and he takes my tongue down his throat. I shut my eyes tight, suspicious moisture clouding my vision.

_I'm so sorry, Naruto…_

His mouth closes around me now, taking me deep. I watch him watch me, the moonlight making us seem ethereal, feral. My hand grips his scalp, tangling in his hair, shoving him down harder.

_Forgive me._

I don't know if I'm talking to my parents, to Naruto, or to myself. I'm too tired to care anymore. I just want to forget everything, and be with Naruto in this instant, in this moment, right now. I know I can never say it, I know how much he wants the promise of forever. But forever never comes, and I cannot make a promise I don't intend to keep.

He cries out my name again and again through the night, but I bite down hard on his shoulder, drawing blood, not letting myself speak. My words hurt him too much, the things I leave unspoken hurting him more. Better to show him this way, less room for error, less chance for pain.

Dawn and I'm still awake, watching him sleep against me. Even pressed together like this, I feel cold.

I have never hated Itachi more than I did in that instant.

_End Flashback_

I can't feel anything, I can't see anything, I can't hear anything. Everything's quiet now. Is this what death is like?

Suddenly with a roar the pain starts. Consuming me, devouring me. And this is what repentance is. It's an acrid tang of self-loathing in my nostrils, the hazy vision of eyes turned inwards looking at the past, it's the suffocating helplessness and anger and hate, and it's the knowledge that this is the end and there's no more turning back and I'm going on alone into Hell.

And then while I'm consumed in my complete and utter repentance, the flames consume me and my screams are lost in the roar of the dancing heat and then I'm gone to some place hotter and more painful, and I can't come back to do anything right and I'll never see your lover and friends again, never see the sun rise again, never sit on the beach and let the waves tickle my toes, never eat another chocolate bar, never tickle my best friend while we both giggle like crazy, never help a friend dress up for an important occasion, never dance in the rain or sing in the shower again….NOTHING.

Once I'm gone, I'm gone and there's nothing all the repentance and atonement in the world can do for me. I can't even be reborn, can't even be relocated to Heaven.

And sometimes, when Lucifer gives me a rare break in between torture, I think that it's unfair I had to go so early when all the street-rats and societal trash are still alive and wreaking havoc. At least I didn't go around killing innocents, at least I obeyed the rules.

But I had to leave so soon and go to a final destination while others get to stay on Earth and have another chance with every breath to repent. And I sometimes think it's unfair that even despite all this pain and torment I know I'll never get another chance at life, that no matter how much I repent I'll never be able to see my loved ones again, I'll never get to kiss the roses and sing to the rainbows and hug the rain.

Coz all I have now is eternity in damnation and that's all I'm ever gonna have and it's all my own fault and I regret SO DAMN MUCH but all the regrets in the cosmos won't alter the fact that I got a one way ticket to the Hotel California of sins, and rectification through torture.

And the air here in Hell is hot and cold and toxic, slicing my insides with every intake, slitting my throat and nostrils, yet I inhale greedily coz it's better than drowning. Coz even if I try and kill myself, I'll just wake up here again. And before I reach the brink where I pass out, the devil takes a break, lets me recover, then starts again and this is pain, this is torture, this is torment.

But it's not as bad as the self-recrimination mantra in my head, the memories of what I've done, dreams of what I haven't done. And I endure this till the end of time coz there's nothing else that I can do, I'm stuck here in Hell until Armageddon, and though I sort of wish I could get out of here, not at the expense of a war that would consume innocents and the pure.

So I take a deep breath as I see Satan coming towards me and then I can't think anymore and everything just becomes a haze of red and black and the abyss becomes very real.

_Flashback_

The bright orange wrapper seems incongruous against my black pants. I blink. Naruto's orange sweater suits me fine when he's lying on me, but this…thing on my lap is alien.

I stare at it until Naruto's exasperated voice almost makes me smile.

"For God's sake, teme, it's just a chocolate bar!"

I blink at him, look again at the piece of sugar and herald of diabetes that dobe had thrown on my lap while I was meditating.

Naruto makes a noise, something between a scream and a sigh. Dobe can make the oddest noises, but I like hearing them. Usually. This sound tells me I'm not doing something right.

"SASUKE. EAT THE DAMNED CHOCOLATE."

I pick it up hesitantly, still staring at it. The odd fonts scream out at me, declaring that whatever is hidden by the bright foil is mind-blowingly delicious and addictive.

"Sasu…"

"I've never had a chocolate bar." I look up at him, stopping him mid-rant with my words or my eyes, I don't know. Whatever the case dobe just stares at me, shocked, his fist mid-formed to bonk me on the head as he likes to do whenever I'm being more of an idiot than usual.

He recovers quickly, but his face remains set in that stunned expression.

"You mean your parents never gave you candy?"

I look down at the stupid bar of ill-health again, cursing it to damnation for making me seem weird again, seem odd, always the one left out because of my uniqueness.

Dobe's silence indicates he's waiting for a response.

"It's bad for a ninja." That's what Father had said when I'd asked him what those brightly colored things I saw in the treat store window were. I remember him giving me his most disappointed and disapproving expression, bad enough that I'd looked down in embarrassment. Now I'm looking down in embarrassment again, but not because I'd wanted candy.

Dobe settles next to me on the tatami mats. He reaches out, his arms around me as he peels open the wrapping. The scent of cocoa and chemicals overwhelms me, but not as much as the scent that is inherently Naruto.

"Try it, Sasuke." Dobe's voice, soft and insistent against my ear makes me shiver. I work hard to regain my focus, the dark gooey bar in my face filling my head with other ideas.

I take a bite. The texture is unlike anything I've ever had, and the flavor…I pull a face.

"Don't like it?" Naruto's voice is hesitant, a little hurt, a little disappointed. Instantly I regret my actions. He probably thought he was treating me to something nice.

I wrap my arm around him as he moves to leave. He falls against me, but I'm prepared. Naruto isn't the most graceful of ninjas. Nights spent evading his flailing arms while in deep sleep have made me more agile and leonine than ever.

"Maybe if you fed me, I've like it more." I raise an eyebrow at him, loving how his expression changes from surprise to amusement to exasperation, with the darkening of his eyes and the quickening of his breath and pulse giving him away.

"I already DID feed you, Sasuke." He's lowered his voice again, on purpose. He knows fully well that his husky tenor brings all my senses to red-alert.

Two can play this game. I lean in closer, breathe against his neck. "I meant," I say as I lick his pulse, "mouth-," lick, "-to-", lick, "-mouth," lick. Dobe's breathing hard against me now, and our side-by-side position is not helping his condition. He has amazing patience when it comes to teasing me, but other than that, he had the focus of Lee on Speed.

He takes a quick bite, crushes our lips together. I smirk, and he knows it. Our tongues tangle around that interloping, insidious piece of chocolate, coating the insides of our mouths. When I pull back at last, I don't think he realized that I'd made him eat the piece.

I'd never realized how versatile chocolate was, or how good it tasted when licked and eaten from inside Naruto. Dobe could make the most amazing noises, especially when that bar of calories stroked him along his sweet spot.

Chocolate was a bloody hassle to get out of tatami mats though. We tacitly decided to keep all food sex to the kitchen and the bathroom from then on.

_End Flashback_


	4. Chapter 4: Broken

**Nine Lives**

**Chapter 4**

**By BluWhispers**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto, nor anything else created by Masashi Kishimoto.

**Warning:** This is a YAOI fic. Meaning GUY loves GUY, possibly GUY kiss GUY, and if this was a lemon fic it'd be GUY bang GUY. If homosexual love does not appeal to you, don't read this. You have been warned. Flames will NOT be appreciated and will definitely be ignored. Constructive criticism is always welcome though.

**A/N:** THANK YOU to all who reviewed and stuck by me and convinced me to push on! Myinukoi, you're the cat's pyjamas! And black heart kitten, thank you for your compliments! Naru-Kyou, you've convinced me to continue, and I'm glad you like my work. Thank you all for taking the time to leave little footprints on my beach!

**Summary:** Angst. With a drama queen Sasuke. NOT a death fic (depends on how you define that, though). SasuNaru, KakaIru, and others. Sasuke POV.

_Flashback_

Sakura was missing. She had left to accompany a team carrying a high-value artifact back from Earth. She had been due12 hours ago.

I'd been walking back from the ramen stall with Naruto, enduring the odd looks from the elderly and barely stifled squeals from our fan-club at our clasped hands. We'd come across Lee and Neji and a messenger, and then Kakashi and Shikamaru had appeared, talking Shogi.

There had been an attack, and the team had not been ready. The messenger had come from the Hokage's office, and even the Hokage herself was grasping at straws here, trying to figure out what went wrong. As per Standard Operating Procedure however, a search party would only be sent out if a party was more than 24 hours behind schedule.

The look on Lee's face was one I would never want to see on anyone. Not utter hopelessness, not desolation, coz those I could deal with, HAD dealt with myself. No, he simply shut down completely. It shocked me, because we've all had psychological training, we've all been taught to handle our emotions. You can't have a ninja freaking out on a battlefield. But Lee, with his glassy eyes and blank, slack face was disturbing.

Naruto was trying to comfort him, saying that a search party would be out soon, that Sakura was the best at what she did and that she'd definitely be OK.

Lee turned to face him, and I could see Naruto recoil in horror.

"But she can't be missing," Lee said, smiling a blank, vacant smile. "Her dinner's ready." (1)

I'd started shaking, thinking. What if it had been Naruto missing? Would I be the same as Lee, going crazy, refusing to accept the facts?

Next thing I know, the forest is around me, and I'm running, sprinting through the trees, letting instinct guide me. I don't know where Sakura is, I don't know which direction the team was coming from, I'm just scrambling to prove to myself that even though fate seems set on pulling two people apart, there are always happy endings. Maybe I AM a dreamer, but I can't accept the fact that someone you care for so deeply can be snatched away from you with a simple ambush.

Without turning, I know that Neji's by my side, Byakugan activated. He, too, has something to prove to himself. After everything he's been through, he wants to believe that if ever TenTen was late home, she would still be alive and in one piece when she DID get back.

So we run, twin geniuses, possessors of the two most powerful doujutsus in the world. We stumble upon the team, and they are dead, in pieces. I start shaking, the rant in my head won't stop, telling me that happiness isn't meant for us, that there is a reason why most ninja don't marry, don't get attached.

Neji nudges me, heads off to the cliff. I walk with him, afraid, trembling, yet wanting, NEEDING to know. We climb down a short way, and there is Sakura, in a little overhang under the cliff, huddled in a tiny ball. It's faint, but I can feel her chakra. She's alive, but barely.

We carry her up onto the shelf, pry her body into a reclining position. She relaxes instinctively when I touch her, she knows my chakra well. She's hiding the artifact, protecting it in her bloodied embrace. I wince at the wounds I see. She won't last the trip home.

I've copied Sakura's medical jutsu before, but I know only the movements, the patterns. I don't know the chakra flow, the chakra points, beyond what we all learn in class and on the field. Thank God for Neji, with his Byakugan. He doesn't know the moves, true, but he knows the way the chakra transfers.

With him crouched next to me, his voice as calm as ever but laced with fear and desperation, we set to work. We don't have much time, and we were careless in securing the parameter. If no backup arrived soon and the attackers returned, we'd be sitting ducks, trapped as my chakra is with Sakura's healing.

Bit by bit we mend her broken bones, seal her punctured and crushed organs. My hands are shaking, my vision's blurry, and I think I'm going crazy coz Sakura's hair is becoming shorter and blonder, and her face is becoming more angular, the streaks of blood on her face narrowing and refining themselves into whiskers…

Neji's hands on my shoulders shaking me bring me back to reality. Hastily, sloppily, we patch her as best we can, and bring her back to Konoha.

I don't remember much. Only that the sterile smell of the hospital was a stark difference from the bloody, metallic tang of the woody forest. People around me became streaks of white and grey and faces that were all distorted.

Naruto is bathing me, his hands gentle on my skin, wiping away any traces of Sakura's blood. Afterwards he dries us off, and guides me to the bed.

I move suddenly, holding him, gripping tight. He gasps for air, but I don't let go.

After awhile, I loosen my hold enough for him to pull back, which he does. He touches my face, his calloused palm gently cradling my cheek. I'm drowning in his eyes, but I don't care. I just want to immerse myself in him tonight, in everything that is him. He can see it in my eyes, I think.

When we finally lie sated, the sun is high in the sky. We should be at training, but I can't leave him. He turns to face me, cups my face. I can't remember if we kissed tonight, I don't think we did. I don't think I can handle it, not this intimacy, not this romance.

He looks like he's about to speak, about to try and console me. But I put my finger on his lips, and he looks confused.

_Silence is golden_, my eyes tell him. _Don't spoil this. _

I don't need to add the _please_.

He nods, understanding, or trying to understand the inner workings of a tumultuous mind. I drive into him hard, without warning, and he arches, a silent cry escaping his open lips. Uncaring, heedless, needful, I take him over and over and over, until the sun is setting, and the air is cool.

I fall into an uneasy sleep immediately, and I dream of finding Naruto in that overhang, bloodied, broken, bruised. I wake at midnight, and Naruto is asleep next to me, holding me tight.

A pigeon is at the window.

I extricate myself easily, and am in Tsunade's office in 10 minutes. A mission, she tells me, her face serious. My mask is on, the mask of a cat. I glance sideways, and an almost identical mask stares back at me. Neji and I will go to hunt down Sakura's attackers.

I don't come back for a month, and I am glad for the time away from Naruto. It helps me build my walls back up, helps me hide the fear again. I suspect Neji feels the same. We don't talk about it, but we know it's there, like stains on a mattress. (2)

I return at midnight, and it almost seems like I've never left. Naruto is curled around an imaginary me, and the sight undoes me. I slip into bed unwashed, bloody and filthy, just needing him and his touch. He wakes, smiles sleepily, knowing it's me.

This time I kiss him.

_End Flashback_

This time when I wake up, everything's quiet. I half-tense, waiting for the pain, expecting it to rush out and slam me into the abyss just like every other time. But nothing comes. Just the silent beeping of the myriad machines I'm attached to, and the slow, deep breaths of someone next to me. Someone who's holding my hand so gently, yet so desperately.

I try to turn to see him, I know it's him. But I can't move, I can't even squeeze his hand. What the fuck is the use of an emergency button if I can't press it, dammit?

The effort spent trying to turn has worn me out, so I close my eyes and focus. I breathe out, realize that the tubes in my nostrils go down to my lungs. It should be uncomfortable, but I'm numb.

_Naruto…_

As if hearing my thought, dobe stirs. He raises his head slowly, lethargically, shifting his body back against the uncomfortable plastic chair that hospitals always provide loved ones of victims. His grip on my hand never loosens though.

I can tell the moment he sees I'm awake, aware. His breathing quickens, he doesn't dare believe it. The hand holding mine falters.

Then his face is before me, and I wish I could smile coz he looks like a constipated monkey, face screwed up with disbelief and joy and hope and glorious glorious love.

He runs to the door, slams it open, screams for the dead to hear and the living to cringe.

At least that's what I think he does. With mounting horror, I realize that I can't hear anything.

I start to panic. I miss his hand on mine.

They crowd around me, crows picking on a bleeding carcass. Tears falling on my face, it's Kakashi and I think he's crying coz there's blood flowing from below his forehead protector onto my cheek. Or where I think my cheek should be.

Kakashi's holding something in front of me now, and thank God everyone's backed off. I can't deal with all this at once.

_Your chakra-system was completely disabled. You won't be able to hear, speak, feel or move properly for awhile. Don't worry, Tsunade and Sakura are working on it, and the Hyuuga house has sent representatives to help. _

Kakashi's handwriting has improved at least. I'm distracting myself from the reality, I know. Completely disabled chakra-system? But that only happens…

I can see the answer in Kakashi's eye. He would never lie to me about something like this, he would never even attempt to.

Naruto's face fills my vision again, and I think he kissed me, but I could be wrong. I feel like a lifeless marionette, just a husk, a soul too small for the container. Ineffectual, useless, weak.

I black out.

_Flashback_

It was Iruka's fault, really. He'd somehow turned my surrogate father into a family man, a responsible husband, and a walking Hallmark card.

We were going to the famous rose-gardens for Valentine's Day. I'd refused of course, but Naruto has his ways.

I wasn't too happy about it, coz in my head I'd planned a nice, steamy evening with dobe. Nothing romantic, nothing sweet. I'm not as sensitive as Kakashi or the others.

As we walked to the gardens, Naruto was bubbling with excitement, firmly attached to my arm. If I wasn't so worried about my sanity, I'd have smirked at his possessiveness.

We get there, and instantly I crack up. TenTen's managed to drag Neji here as well, and he looks like he understands my pain. I catch his eye, signal him. He inclines his head slightly in response.

I sneak away from Naruto easily, he's busy being a social butterfly. Neji's getaway is slick as well, while TenTen is distracted by Temari.

We meet behind a crumbling wall, and I reach into my jacket, pull out a snifter of whisky, a pack of cigarettes. Neji takes out an identical snifter of bourbon, and a lighter. We sit in shared misery until Shikamaru comes to join us. We snicker as we hear Sakura and Lee express their love to each other.

Shikamaru has some very fine sake.

Kakashi's there, all of a sudden. By his stance and aura alone, Shikamaru and Neji know better than to hang around. Bastards. They abandon me to my god-father.

He sits next to me, helps himself to a cigarette from my pack, drinks the rest of the sake that Shikamaru left behind in his haste.

"Life is like a cigarette, Sasuke." (3) The aging silver-haired ninja looks off into the distance, his voice melancholy. "Before you're stubbed out, you should know what you should do."

He leaves, and I realize that my pack of cigarettes is empty. _Damned copy-nin. _

I get up, look for Naruto. He's sitting on the side of a fountain, the lady in the middle is pouring water onto a pool of rose petals. He looks sad.

I sneak up, put my arms around him. He starts, relaxes into my embrace. He doesn't ask where I was, he can smell the nicotine and alcohol on me.

We just sit for awhile, as the world moves around us. Naruto seems content to lie against me.

"I love you."

I am stunned speechless. Dobe has said it to me before, but always in the heat of the moment, a passionate outburst more than an expression of true sentiment.

He doesn't turn to look at me, afraid. He's crossed a line with me, saying that. Or maybe I just need to figure out exactly what I want from him.

We don't talk the rest of the night, and I leave for a mission the next day while he sleeps off the exertion from the night before.

I leave a flower on the pillow next to him, a rose that hasn't yet bloomed.

_End Flashback_

Sometimes I wonder if I live too much in my fantasy world. Coz when things in real life don't seem to echo those in the dramatic world of cinema, I think that some thing's amiss, something's off. Like when a momentous decision is made, if there are no fireworks, no grand soundtrack, I think that the decision isn't that momentous after all, or worse that it's the WRONG decision.

But now I've made a decision, I'm gonna stick to it. I'm gonna tear down these walls of mine, this fantasy I've created, this waking dream. I'm gonna shine the light onto my abyss, free myself, break out of my chains and thorns, destroy these guns and roses. And I'm gonna be free at last, free to see the world, free to be who I wanna be.

And I realize that all this time it's been me who's holding myself back, I'M the one who's been forcing myself to be someone else, someone I'm not. That whenever I accused others of forcing me to be something I'm not I was actually yelling at myself, coz I always wanted to be like those characters I read about in books, those characters on the silver screen, in the video games…those people who, no matter what, no matter that they were fucked up or crazy, always managed to have a happy ending. Somehow, some way, whenever they wanted something, they'd get it.

Take the classic case of the heartless mercenary, who upon meeting the golden hope, immediately thawed out and became a normal person. PLEASE. That DOESN'T happen in real life, let me assure you. Because I'M the heartless mercenary. And golden hope's been trying to get through to me for so long, but I've just kept breaking his heart. Is life a sad drama? Are happy endings just for stories that aren't finished yet? I really wonder.

But regardless, I'm determined not to hide behind masks and mirrors and smoke, not to pull on personas from books and anime, not to imitate what I've seen. I'm now gonna be free to be myself, coz as long as I'm alive, tomorrow's another day. I've still got a fighting chance if I'm alive. And Itachi says that no one cares much about me now, so I should MAKE them all care like crazy for me. But since they'll be able to see straight through any pretenses, why bother pretending? Isn't it better to be loved as yourself? To be cherished for whom you are?

Or would I rather spend the rest of my life knowing that the person they all care for doesn't exist, that they don't even KNOW me as I truly am? Forget the saying that once you've been a face for so long, that face is you. It doesn't work that way. A tiger never changes its stripes. I can't change who I truly am. So start showing it to the world, show them the real me, show them the me that God created. If they can't accept it, at least I know I was truthful and I knew their true opinion.

At least TRUTH is in my life. And that's enough for God. Lying to myself and deceiving others won't put me in a very appealing light in Heaven's waiting list. Question is, am I ready to step out of the illusion and into reality, without my masks, stripped bare of pretenses?

"I'm ready if you are, Sasuke." Naruto smiles at me and the burnished gold of sunset shines around him. He holds out a hand to me, and I think that never in history has so much thinking gone into a simple act of leaving the hospital.

Never in my history have I been so afraid though.

We leave together, him pushing me along in a wheelchair. I might have recovered, but the doctors say that the slightest exertion and it's the ICU for me. I have to rest for at least two weeks.

That means two weeks of too much thinking, and self-berating walks down memory lane.

We make our way home, and I find that the others who live in my compound have attempted a parody of a celebration. Lee's kanji sucks.

The radio's playing, the atmosphere's somber and hushed. They don't want to admit to what I've done, don't want to face the reality. I ran away, again. I broke parole, I broke promises, I nearly broke Naruto's heart.

I broke something else too, and I don't think it'll ever be fixed.

_When you try your best but you don't succeed  
When you get what you want but not what you need  
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep  
Stuck in reverse_

And the tears come streaming down your face  
When you lose something you cannot replace  
When you love someone but it goes to waste  
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below  
When you're too in love to let it go   
But if you never try you'll never know  
Just what you're worth 

Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face  
When you lose something you cannot replace  
Tears stream down your face   
And I

Tears stream down your face  
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes  
Tears stream down your face  
And I 

Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you. (4)

Forget it, Naruto. It's all lost to us now.

A/N: (1) A line taken from the ending of the book "Of a Boy". Forgotten the author's name, but it was a good read.

(2) Atley Jackson's line to Memphis Raines, in Gone in 60 seconds.

(3) A line from an old Gensomaden Saiyuki episode.

(4) "Fix You" by Coldplay.


End file.
